Ten Things I Learnt On Tour

Just like our ancestors, and their ancestors, and their ancestors before them, using a nice local body of water is just as good as using a washing machine to clean your clothes - if you’re into that sort of thing. Not only can you use this body of water to wash your clothes, but you can also reenact various scenes from 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?', which is an okay way to pass some time while the nanny you hired to cook and clean for your tour finishes washing your clothes. You might need to purchase a washboard - usually not too expensive - or if someone around has abs, that could work too!

Unlike at home, everyone you meet out on tour is a potential murderer. I know this. I have seen this. One time someone discovered my address and sent me an envelope of washing detergent. It didn’t kill me, but I coughed when I first saw it. Looking back on it, they could have put something else in that envelope. I was just lucky that the only thing I got out of the situation was clothing that smelt of wildberry.

Eating healthily is bullshit in general. Everyone knows that, by not eating whatever you want (i.e. complete crap) all the time, you aren’t living your life to the fullest, right? The only problem is that people think it’s much better to eat healthy food. So when you’re on tour, just eat really quickly, and then when it’s time to sit down and eat with everyone else you can be, like, “No thanks, I’m not really hungry”. That way, you’ll probably be complimented with an “Awesome man! You’re trying to watch your weight!”, when in reality you've just scoffed a meal of hotdogs wrapped in buns. Except that the buns were slices of pizza - stuffed crust, of course!

Clean-smelling people are just showoffs. If you suspect someone in your band or crew has been showering, then immediately call them out and force them to rub crap on themselves. If they refuse to do this, then shun them or, better still, make them understand that a person's body odour is scientifically proven to be appealing to the opposite sex. So it’s not really for their own sake that they should avoid washing - it's for the sake of gettin’ all the ladieeezzzzz.

Let’s just say for a moment that heaven does exist. Even though we all know that what’s really above is infinite space and a planet known as 'Planet X', which is slooooowly moving closer towards us, and collision with Earth is inevitable. But I digress...  Somewhere in the Travelodge world of odd-smelling rooms and overly-semen-stained couches is the warmth that only a lover's arms could deliver. In America, I guess a Travelodge would be like a Motel 6 that lost a few points - so maybe like a Motel 4. It’s a great place to stay, especially if you're trying to save a few pounds/stone. I’m just kidding by the way, I know stone is a unit of... wait…..

I realise I may have mentioned clothes already, but don’t bring any, because you’ll definitely be tempted to wear them. Bringing clothes with you on tour is like putting precious family heirlooms through a wood chipper: although the heirlooms might not be torn to shreds, they'll probably get very badly scratched and you’ll most likely receive a punishment. I say this because out on the road you’ll sweat so much during shows that you’ll get sweat stains that can never be removed. Like the one I got on my Jonas Brothers t-shirt - the grey one that says “Jonas Brothers” sideways. Not the shirt that says “Property of Jonas Brothers”, I don’t have that one. I also didn’t research Jonas Brothers t-shirts online in order to give these examples - I know about all their merchandise as it’s released.

With love comes anger and hostility. Show your bandmates you love them by doing things like breaking pieces off of their guitars and gluing them back on in different places. Or burning their clothes to ashes and then smoking the ashes and blowing the smoke into their faces... They'll looooove that one!

And I mean REALLY heavy weights. Weights that could hold you down if you were to play music so hard that your shows started registering on the Richter scale. Sometimes, when I’m playing drums, I start to hit so hard that I hover ever so slightly. Now I myself don’t need the heaviest of weights, but one time I saw a guy play his bass so hard that he started to hover a good five feet off the ground. Needless to say, this can be an extremely dangerous situation in which really heavy weights are clearly needed. I mean, it’s not like you just fall back down to the stage gracefully: music hovering (or MH, as we like to call it) sends you hurtling back down to ground level at speeds of up to three times faster than Usain Bolt’s fastest recorded sprint (that's his fastest sprint before drinking Gatorade, incidentally - Usain Bolt post-Gatorade speeds have yet to be achieved). Also, the guy who floated five feet off the ground was sweating so much, and his fingers became so pruny and shrivelled from playing so hard, that they turned into actual raisins which fell to the ground into conveniently-placed Sun-Maid raisin tins, and were immediately shipped out to local grocers. It was utterly terrible. All the guy could say was “Dang, I wish I hadn't brought any of these clothes with me on tour!” (see No.6: “Don’t Bring Clothes” for further explanation).

Appreciate him. If you have won an Oscar, give it to him.

Everyone knows that older things are much better than newer things. Be they clothes, instruments, people... I mean, you never meet grandparents and say “Man, those people were pr**ks!”. You’re more likely to find yourself saying something like “Man, they were awesome! If I was more interested in World War II stories, I would have received five golden movie ideas from all that info grandpa just sent my way!" The most important thing, though, is to not have a cell phone. You should be off doing whatever you want to do, and if someone has to get in contact with you they can just ring your beeper. Because that’s something that everyone has.