Ten Things I Learnt On Tour

We learned quickly that toilet paper is usually not complimentary to the public. Toilets in China are generally fragrant squat style affairs, where you dispose of the paper in the wastebasket. Before your stomach accepts foreign bacteria, it will spend a lot of time rejecting it, and you better be equipped when duty calls. Also, if you’re going to take a scenic drive to see the Great Wall, it might be best to avoid spicy food the night before. 

Despite our best efforts, we all experienced varying degrees of gastrointestinal discomfort on this tour. Unfortunately, Pat won the travelers' diarrhea Olympics by suffering for about 6 days. He alternated between hollow hunger, mild hypochondria, and being leery of all food except bananas and plain rice. At the pharmacy, he was prescribed oral rehydration salts and charcoal pills. The pills did the trick, but made him smell a little like hickory smoked barbecue brisket, which is not entirely unpleasant.

Play with electricity, and you will get burned. Once, while we were on tour in Germany, Pat was shocked so hard it made his finger bleed. Granted, he was trying to screw in a light bulb while holding his bass. Word to the wise--don’t plug anything in another country without checking the voltage of your appliance first, or using the proper converter or adaptor. One of our hosts told us he had no problem plugging 110-volt guitar pedals straight into 220-volt power strips in China. I was skeptical, but tried it anyways…and blew up my power strip. There was a sickening moment, while inhaling plastic smoke that I thought I had destroyed everything. Fortunately, the pedals were fine. I resolved to never do that again, and to get traveler’s insurance.

Don't be shy--even your most mangled attempts at Mandarin are appreciated. You can charm any cab driver, waitress, bartender, street vendor or potential love interest with a few polite basics. Bonus points if you can laugh at yourself when you get it wrong. Smiling, gesturing, maps, business cards, matchbooks and bargaining with numbers on notepads is also useful. If you take a cab, it's usually best to get someone to write your destination address down for you, but it's no guarantee that the driver will know how to get there, or will take you the most direct (read: cheapest) route.

If you've ever wanted to be in a real-time version of Frogger, you should cross the street in China. Red means sometimes, maybe, rarely and definitely. Green means possibly, absolutely, and sort of. You have to watch for pedestrian, bike, scooter, taxi, and truck traffic from both sides. The best strategy is to follow the mob, quickly, and that turning lanes never stop. Gridlock is a state of mind and accidents, fortunately, seem rare.

Chinese cab drivers take great offense to anyone trying to bring luggage in the car. The trunks in Beijing are so small that we often found ourselves in the predicament of convincing the cab driver that my bass flight case wouldn't dirty up his already dingy off-white seat covers. About half the time the driver would refuse and then drive away in disgust at us “baby Americans”. Also, the cities are so far apart that most require you to fly or take trains between them. In the train stations and airports, there are heaps of stairs and pushy swindlers with luggage carts that recognize the mountain of gold inherit in a band with a hearty amount of equipment.

I'm not sure if we had any bootleg booze on this trip. If anything, the beer we drank on the Great Wall tasted suspiciously like fizzy tin can aspirin water. Basically, if a bar is selling any libation for less than 20 RMB, don't drink it, unless you want to be pickled by the formaldehyde. Additionally, it may taste like rubbing alcohol and the tears of a million disgraced small demons, but we recommend you try Chinese whiskey, or Bijiu, at least once for yourself. Guaranteed to put hair on your chest and shift you into other dimensions.

While waiting to board the train to Wuhan, I stood guard in the station over the mounting tangle of luggage and equipment that our touring party of 13 was scrambling to organize. I then witnessed a sleeping boy wake up, shuffle past me with a pained expression, and release an impressive fountain of pink vomit all over the floor.  After five minutes of us warning unaware passersby of the danger at their feet, a sanitation lady frosted the offending mess with sawdust and swept it up neatly with her broom. I have been considering filming an infomercial about this.

Our hosts spoke of how sometimes they get the dry-mouthed MSG shakes. Everything in China tastes pretty salty and for the most part, pretty yummy, but do not to be fooled--it's the MSG. It's in everything.

Nothing draws a crowd faster than an impromptu shouting, cigar box synth, toy keyboard and drumstick afternoon sidewalk show outside of a Hongzhou train station. You will not make any money, but are guaranteed to crack up your tour mates and baffle old Chinese men. Touring, ultimately, should be about making friends, traveling and having fun. Remember why you play music in the first place. Yes, it’s true what they say about the journey being only half of it.