Ten Things I Learnt On Tour

I foolishly thought I could fight with Mother Nature and she laughed in my face, and at my feet. I soon upgraded to a more substantial pair of kicks, but not before I nearly lost a toe or two to frostbite. Not worth it one bit...

After a few days (weeks?) of degenerate behaviour and solid stints of red meat and starch consumption, treat yourself to some fish. It will make you feel less sticky and awful. I would say ideally some sushi, but even a smoked salmon bagel is a decent compromise. Do it, because you're worth it.

This is not a bad thing, its just something that we are not used to. I'm sure the place has its fair share of cunts, but as far as I could tell, everyone there is just mighty glad you dropped by. Upon asking one fellow where we might go to get some decent dinner, we were treated to a ream of options which we could not process, so we went to the bar next door. Too friendly to be human, too nice to be helpful.

OK, it may have been 5am, he may have smelled like beer and tramp willies, but my brother was flatly refused a room in the Tulip Inn somewhere in the Netherlands, in spite of carrying plenty cash and saying please and thank you. When he asked why, the straight-backed, mother-shaven, math-lovin asexual male receptionist replied 'Just look at yourself'. Fleet Foxes, Vetiver, Cat Stevens Islam... take note.

It’s got layers and layers of orgasm noises sometimes. The main image that pops into my head whilst I am assaulted by the sounds of this rather obscure genre, is of a gentleman fucking an apple that he's drawn a lady's face on, whilst those animals from Star Wars play their shite spacejazz in the background. Having said that, listening to MGMT does exactly the same thing to me, so there you go.

The preservatives or whatever the fuck they put on these 'healthy snack' packs of cut apples made my mouth sore and swollen for a couple of hours. Be careful, you never know what you are allergic to. I have since used that experience as a terrific excuse to veer towards the 'unhealthy snacks' section in the truck stops and garages of the world. Jerky don't swell ma fuckin mouth up! Them apples do!

I was always warned that I was allergic to anything but soap products designed for the skin of an infant. I trusted my mum and tended towards shower gels that had the words 'emollient', nourishing' 'sensitive' and 'baby' on them, as opposed to the ones the other lads had which said 'sports, 'java', 'cool' and 'graphics' on them. Stuck for childsoap on tour, however, I thought I would just use the small wrapped bar provided by the Travelinnlodgehotelmotel. I was fine! I also learned the same thing regarding washing powders and fabric softeners (much softer!). Mother! You lied to meeeeeee!

When you turn up at a venue and you take a gander at the soundcheck of the opener, or the band you are opening for, don't judge them on that 5 minute period alone. Half the time, their music won't be too good, but that's irrelevent. 90% of the time, they will be top notch people with whom you have a lot in common. I have learned to look past skinny jeans and haircuts, (just as as many skinny jeaned folks have looked past my lorry driver style and utilitarian haircut), and just get the fuck along with people. Its good to be nice, shit to be a wanker. As for the 10% that are truly cocks to the bone, you cannot teach them any kind of lesson. They already know everything.

Second footwear point, I know, but I can't stress it enough. If you wear socks for more than two days, people will begin to notice. Touring brings many opportunities to meet new people and find out about them via conversation. If your feet smell (and a truly well worn sock WILL penetrate a pair of Converse), they will not stay for very long to chat. This may be welcome of course, in which case go ahead and just bring the one pair of crunchy sportsters. Just don't expect to get any.

I can't read on transport of any kind as it makes me feel sick, and I don't own an iPod. Most of the time on tour, all I have is my own head and the passing vista. The rhythm of the road cleans the mind like a type of meditation, and thinking about things can keep me going for many hours. I couldn't even tell you now what I specifically think of (breasts do come up fairly often), but that doesn't really matter. Maybe it’s more the moving thoughts around and arranging your head that makes it worthwhile. Next time you are bored out of your skull, do a bit of delving around in there and get some entertainment. Or just think about tits... Sweeeeeeeet.